For tears and torn up photographs
by heartVAhudgens
Summary: I decided to write a Zanessa one shot for you guys. I know, I'm still breaking FF rules but whatever. I hate putting it in the HSM category too but yeah.


The beach was dark and quiet. The waves were not crashing, simply rolling onto the shore and then sliding back out again. There were no cars on the freeway, no birds calling and not a single human voice. There was no wind and there seemed to be no stars in the sky. The sand was warm beneath her bare feet, her hair tickling her back as she walked, her ankle length dress fluttering against her skin. She wasn't quite sure what was intriguing her to keep walking. There was nothing ahead but darkness and nothing behind but black, but she somehow couldn't bring herself to stop or even slow down from the moderate pace in which she moved her feet. She wasn't afraid, though she knew that anything or anyone could be hiding or even standing just metres away from her. Her breathing was slow, calm, like there was simply nothing to worry about. She hummed a soft melody, quietly, barely loud enough to hear as she walked. Although she was completely relaxed, she couldn't deny that feeling of longing, pulsing beneath her skin. That feeling of longing that seemed to always be present no matter how hard she tried to push it from her mind. The more she thought about the feeling, the stronger it began to grow and the stronger it began to grow, the harder it was to ignore. A gentle breeze blew past, ruffling her hair and startling her. She stopped, listening.

"_Vanessa," _

Someone whispered her name, she was sure of it. She listened harder, holding her breath, praying for it to call again. The breeze had dropped again, leaving behind an eerie silence. She shook her head, laughing at her own stupidity. It was just the wind.

"_Vanessa," _

It wasn't a whisper this time, it was louder, still very soft but definitely more audible than before. It was a male voice, low and gentle. Something told her she should recognise this voice but she couldn't put a name to the sound. Looking around for any sign of the source of the sound, an orange light flickered a few feet ahead, like the spark of a flame. It danced in the air, a few metres off of the ground and then disappeared into the night sky. She lingered her gaze where the spark was just waltzing, unable to draw her eyes back.

"_Vanessa,"_

This time the voice was the pitch of a normal conversational tone. She recognised it with heartbreakingly fond realisation. It was the voice she'd been begging to hear for as long as she could remember. The voice that numbed that longing feeling inside her, almost instantaneously.

"Where are you?" she whispered, her heart almost leaping from her chest.

"_I'm right here sweetheart," _he whispered back, right into her ear.

She darted her head to the left but he was gone.

"Stop playing with me," she laughed softly. "Show me where you are. I want to see you,"

A tiny kiss on her cheek, on her right side and a gentle snicker in her ear followed. Turning her head quickly to right she sighed.

"Please stop, I've missed you,"

"_Stop missing me silly, I'm right here," _he replied, taking her waist in his hands and pulling her towards him.

Her breath caught in her throat as he traced her cheekbones with his forefinger.

Her eyes flew open leaving her momentarily disorientated. She reached out for him but was only met by the bare humid air of her bedroom. She groaned. The air con had turned itself off, again. The heat always made her dreams more vivid than normal. The disappointment washed strongly over her as she climbed out of bed to open the window and turn the air con back on again. The sun was just coming up, the sky turning pink at the horizon. It was only 4:30am but Vanessa knew she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep now. She drew back the shades and opened the window as wide as it would go, the morning humidity already beginning to gather. She tore the rubber band from her hair, letting it fall down to her shoulders again, shaking it free. She sighed, trying to stop thinking about her dream. Her subconscious mind was clearly more active than she would've liked overnight, she thought angrily to herself. Unsure of what to do now she was awake, she went about her everyday routine as slowly and efficiently as possible, trying to keep her mind busy and make time pass as quickly as possible without realisation. But there is only so much she could do before there was once again nothing more. Only an hour had passed. Frustrated with herself for rushing, she changed into some sweats. Heading downstairs she anticipated a few long hours at the gym, anything to avert her mind and stop her thoughts from ruining her day, again.

"Vanessa! What is with you today?" Laura asked loudly, snapping Vanessa back from her thoughts.

"Huh?" she asked, stirring her milkshake nonchalantly with a straw.

Laura laughed.

"Didn't you get enough sleep last night or something?"

Vanessa smiled.

"Funny you should say that," she said quietly.

Laura took a bite out of her blueberry muffin and looked at Vanessa questioningly.

"Forget it," Vanessa sighed.

"No seriously, what's up?"

"Look, I can't talk now. I have to go. I'll catch you later," Vanessa said quickly, standing up and exiting the café.

Laura called after her, but Vanessa ignored her. She raised her purse to hide her face from the paparazzi outside. She was just in no mood to be dealing with them right now. Heading as quickly as possible to her car as she could was her number one priority before she let herself think about how much of a bitch she'd just acted towards her best friend.

Driving home seemed to take frustratingly longer than usual, the traffic building up all the way from Melrose. Vanessa drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. She was tired, that was all. That was why she had overreacted and been rude to Laura and that was why she was overly agitated today. She just needed to go home and sleep and she'd be fine. Her head was too crowded with thoughts because she was tired. Just tired. She sighed audibly at the tortuously slow pace in which the traffic was moving. 5mph. She could run faster than this. Leaning over to the passenger seat, she took her phone out of her purse. Checking first for any spying eyes, she composed a message to Laura;

'_I'm sorry for the way I acted at lunch today. I'm just really tired okay? I'll call you tomorrow, when I've slept and I'm not such a bitch. Hope you're okay and having a better day than I am. Love you sugar,'_

That was one thing off of her mind, her guilty conscience for being pissed off at Laura. She turned on her ipod and plugged it in. Turning up Adele, she tried to patience herself for the rest of the slow drive home, singing quietly to herself all the way.

Vanessa's afternoon had gotten considerably worse as it had progressed. She'd had to laugh and smile as she'd dropped her purse on the way into her house humiliatingly in front of 10 cameras. She'd had to lie to her best friend as she'd called to ask her what was up for the third time that day, unable to confess the true reason she was acting so outside of herself. She'd spent two hours trying to sleep, tossing and turning getting more and more frustrated until she was on the brink of tears and to top it all off she'd found herself on the 'What were they thinking when they got dressed?' list in more than one magazine. It was slowly turning into one of those days where nothing seemed to go right and everything seemed to mess up and soon as she touched it. One of those days where, no matter who tried, there was only one person she believed could even begin to make everything better. That same person who in truth, was actually the entire reason why she was such a mess today. Ever since her dream, he was all she'd been able to think about. The reason she couldn't tell Laura was because it was so pathetic that she was still feeling the way she was. It had been six months. Six whole months. She should be way over him by now right? It came in stages. Weeks went by where she hardly thought about him, hardly missed him and he hardly ever crossed her mind. But then there were the weeks where she thought about him constantly, cried herself to sleep replaying memories and wishing she could turn back time. She'd tried everything. She'd spent 4 lovely months with Josh. Some might say 'using him', but Vanessa preferred to call it 'making her heart hurt less by being reminded that she was still wanted,'. Ever since she'd met Josh, that November in Hawaii, they'd been pretty much inseparable. He'd quickly became her best guy friend and they told each other everything. They spent their days together, filming and just goofing around and then at night when the rest of the cast were sleeping, they'd gone down to the beach again to surf or swim in the moonlight. He made her laugh and he made her smile. He was the one who wiped away her tears and held her all night while she cried, a few days after the break-up. He was the one who listened to her first hate herself for ruining everything, then hate him for leaving her, then question everything, her mood changing rapidly from sad to depressed to pure anger. He was the one who had promised her everything would be okay and that she was better off without him. He was the one who knew everything, saw her at her worst and still wanted to be her friend. When they'd shared a kiss that one January night on the beach, it was hardly a surprise to either of them. Since then they'd spend even more time together. After they finished filming they hung out at each others houses, went bowling, out to movies and even to Coachella music festival together. But, Vanessa's trust issues had gotten in the way about a month ago, causing them to fight and agree to take some time out from each other. The conversation, 'He promised me he'd never leave me and he did so why should I believe you are any different,' got tiring to Josh she guessed. She felt so guilty. She wanted to trust Josh and she wanted to just love him the way he seemed to love her but she just couldn't. She was forever comparing him and forever wishing that he could be the only person she'd rather be with. She didn't blame Josh for leaving. She'd have left herself too.

The one person she'd trusted with all her heart was the reason she couldn't trust anyone anymore.

By the time darkness fell again, Vanessa had about had it with everything. She was unbelievably close to just breaking down in tears. Sitting inside was driving her crazy; it was making things worse more than anything. She couldn't call anyone because she had nothing to say, every song on the radio reminded her of him and every damn movie on TV was a movie they'd seen together or a movie they'd talked about seeing together. If she wasn't so frustrated and tired of herself, she'd probably have found her bad luck freakishly hilarious. Before she went completely insane stuck inside she changed back into a pair of sweats and sneakers, put her ipod on and went outside for a run, up the winding path right to the top of the hills to the famous Hollywood viewpoint. She stopped to catch her breath and take a long drink of water. The night was perfect and clear, the air cool but not cold, a billion stars twinkling in the purple sky. Up there, it was easier to think more constructively. Vanessa was alone, the viewpoint deserted, too late at night for any tourists, or paparazzi for that matter, and the wrong time of year for nature watchers. She sat down on the grass and leaned her head against an outdoor table. It was so peaceful, so quiet, so zen and serene. Her thoughts were not just a crazy humming of noise inside her head anymore. Being up here had given them an intermission and for the first time that day, her head was silent. She exhaled deeply, letting everything go. Closing her eyes she just sat as still as she possibly could and focussed on her breathing rate, the way she'd been taught at yoga the first time she ever went to that class. She was soon so positively calm that she didn't even sense a presence until the table she was leaning on moved slightly as someone sat down. She opened her eyes startled but didn't make a sound. Whoever it was that had sat down behind her still didn't know she was there. For a long while, neither of them moved or made a sound. The silence was interrupted however when a cell phone rang.

"Sorry man, I can't. I'd love to but I'm pretty busy right now,"

A pause.

"Nope, I'm sure. I know man, I'm sorry,"

A longer pause.

"Okay, sure. I'll call you tomorrow or something. Later,"

Vanessa heard the phone drop onto the table top. She couldn't breathe. Her heart had almost literally stopped beating. That voice. _His _voice.

Zac's voice.

It couldn't be right? Something inside her reminded her that she had to breathe and her breath came out in a quick audible sigh. The person behind her cleared his throat.

"Hello?" he asked quietly, cautiously.

Vanessa didn't speak, didn't move, didn't breathe. She could not let him know she was there.

He stood up and walked around the edge of the table. Then he stopped.

"Vanessa?"

Shit.

She looked up, not sure what expression she had on her face.

"Hey," she said, sheepishly, looking away as quickly as she'd looked upon.

"What are you doing here?"

"Actually, I was just leaving," she stood up and turned to leave but he caught her arm.

She held her breath as his eyes met hers. Time seemed to stop.

He coughed awkwardly and dropped her arm.

"You don't have to go yet," he said, quietly, looking away.

Vanessa smiled and sat down on the table. He hesitated in front of her.

"Can I sit with you?" he asked, seeming shy.

"Sure," she replied quietly.

He sat down beside her, not quite next to her leaving at least room for another person between them. The next few minutes, the next few thoughts, seemed to pass dangerously fast. The most obvious question in her mind was '_what the hell is he doing here?_'. By some crazy, insane, delirious act of fate, why were they both here? Why this night? Why now? Why was no one else around? Why was the night so still and quiet? How? Just how the hell had this happened? What was she going to say to him? Why had he asked her to stay? Just what, what, what the fuck was this?

"Are you okay? You look kinda, not," he asked, looking at her.

Vanessa sighed and smiled.

"I'm fine. Just kind of, freaked out as to how the hell this has happened,"

He chuckled.

"I was thinking the exact same thing,"

"Promise me you're not stalking me,"

"I promise I'm not stalking you," he laughed.

Vanessa smiled.

"So you didn't see me leave my house through your night vision goggles and then follow me up here all conspicuously and try to make this whole thing act like some crazy act of fate when really you just, I don't know, planned it,"

He laughed again, louder.

"I did not follow you up here or plan any of this, I promise,"

Vanessa laughed too.

"So this is just one of those moments where two people who haven't spoken in a long time just coincidentally end up sitting on a bench in the middle of the night, together,?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is," Zac sighed.

Vanessa looked at him out of the corner of her eye, secretly without turning her head. He looked… confused. Not just confused but frustrated and maybe a little bit hurt. And was that guilt? It was hard to tell. She didn't know what to say. It was weird. They hadn't spoken in over two months. It had ended on a bad note, one night in March and they'd gotten into a fight at a party, screamed at each other, said they were glad they didn't have to put up with each other's shit anymore and just hadn't spoken since then until now. This was just, bizarre, to say the absolute least.

"Vanessa, can I ask you something?"

She hadn't realised he'd been looking at her.

She blushed, shy now she'd been caught.

"Sure, go ahead,"

"I'm just gonna like, go right ahead and say this ok,"

Vanessa smiled.

"Zac, chill," she laughed.

He smiled.

"I'm sorry. It's just, I've been meaning to call you ever since we had that stupid fight and now like, you're here and everything I wanted to say, I've just forgotten everything,"

Vanessa grinned. She couldn't help the butterflies in her stomach at the fact that he looked so unbelievably adorable sitting there all nervous.

He looked at her and laughed.

"This is not how I planned this,"

"Hey, give yourself credit. You didn't plan _this _at all," Vanessa giggled.

"Okay, here goes. Okay, when we had that fight two months ago, that really really wasn't how I'd planned that night to go. The thing is, is, that night I'd planned on making everything better with you. I'd planned on taking you out to dinner after the party and just talking everything out. I planned on just, ugh. I just didn't plan on fighting with you and then not talking for two months. The truth is, I've been thinking about you so much lately. Like, I know I shouldn't and I knew it was so stupid of me but I couldn't help it. I've seen you with Josh and well, I was happy that you'd found someone else but,"

"Zac, I'm not seeing Josh. He's my friend," Vanessa interrupted.

"Oh, he is? I thought… Look never mind. Okay yeah, I'll admit it. I was jealous of him when I saw you two together,"

"Jealous? Why would you be jealous?"

"Don't make me say it Vanessa, please,"

"Say what?"

"I still love you okay? I still love you. I miss you, I still love you and I can't stop thinking about you,"

Vanessa was speechless.

"You, still love me?" she whispered after a minute passed by.

"Yeah, I still love you. I feel like an idiot because it's so obvious that you don't love me back and I don't blame you after everything that happened between us but,"

"Zac, what makes you think I don't still love you?"

"Well I just… do you?"

"Can I?"

"Can you what?"

"Love you? I mean, is it stupid of me to say 'Yes I still love you,' because you're just going to leave again or can I say 'Yes I still love you,' and know that I'm not going to feel like a complete idiot when I have to say goodbye?"

"I'm not saying goodbye,"

"You're not? Then what are you saying?"

There was a silence. Zac took hold of Vanessa's hand gently.

"I'm saying, I wanna be with you. I need to be with you Vanessa because my life just completely sucks without you. I miss everything we had and I want it back. I want you and I'll always want you. I'm in love with you Vanessa, so in love with you and all I want is for you to say it back. I miss you and I just want to turn back time and have you all to myself again. I don't mean to just babble on like this because I feel like such an idiot but I just had to tell you how I feel. I love you,"

He stopped and took a breath. She wasn't sure whether it was her own heartbeat she could hear, or his. There was so much she could say to him, but she didn't have any words in her brain at all to say them. She responded in the only way her body seemed capable. She kissed him. She kissed him and thought, 'I love you too,' in a million different languages. She kissed him and thought, 'I've been waiting for you since the day you left,'. She kissed him and thought, 'I miss you too, more than words could ever describe,'. She kissed him as 6 months of wishing and praying and replaying memories and tears and torn up photographs streamed out of her. She kissed him for every word she'd left unsaid. She kissed him for every night she'd called his number and then hung up before he could answer. She kissed him for every time she'd started to talk about him, and then stopped herself. She kissed him for every single time he'd crossed her mind. She kissed him for every time she'd dreamed he was holding her hand, whispering sweet nothings in her ear and lying beside her in the darkness. She just kissed him. She kissed him like she would never stop.

"I've been waiting for you all along," she said breathlessly.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart," he whispered.

"If I tell you I love you now that's it okay? No more going back. We do this or we don't. I can't take it if you leave me twice, I really cant. I need to know that you'll stay. Promise me you'll stay,"

"Marry me,"

She looked at him, into those dazzling blue eyes.

"Excuse me?"

"Marry me. Please. Maybe not now, but just say you will. I promise I wont ever leave you. I just want to be with you forever. We don't have to do it now, maybe even in 20 years but just say you will. Marry me,"

Her mouth dropped open before she could stop it. Her heart literally was going to take off from her chest if she wasn't careful.

"Are you serious?" she whispered.

"I've never been more serious about anything in my life. I want to be with you Vanessa. I want to be with you forever. I want you to marry me. So please, will you?"

Vanessa pressed her lips against his again. She kissed him. Kissed him and kissed him and kissed him. Kissed him until she was sure he knew what her answer was.

She kissed him and thought, _'I do,'_.


End file.
